Done it again
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Let me tell you in gleeful numbers 
that it is never too late to tie the knot
Age is never a factor that encumbers
A virile man from taking a pot shot

This poet had penned a verse not too far back
About the Haryana farmer who married at 84 alack
And fathered a son at the ripe old age of 94
Little did I know then what more was in store

He has gone and done it again in 2 years' time
At 96, another son; if you giggle, he doesn't care a dime
Three cheers to Ramajit Raghav the Haryanvi stud
For scoring twice where many another has proved to be a dud 
The couple named the first child Vikramajeet
And the new arrival to rhyme is named Ranjeet 

The secret of Raghav's energy is certainly not Boost
Nor does he eat chicken which come home to roost 
Half kilo of almonds is what he eats every day
Washed down with 2 litres of milk, his mainstay 
Chapatis and vegetables comprise his daily meal
Which has given this one time wrestler a body of steel
Alcohol and tobacco he scrupulously eschews
For ordinary mortals such abstinence will give the blues

A cheer to his spouse Shakuntala Devi aged 52
For this signal achievement in which she played a role too 
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( Based on a news item in Times of India dasted 16th October, 2012)

AMERICAN WINS ROACH EATING CONTEST, DIES

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before you open your mouth and say "yuck"

Let me warn you this ditty does indeed suck

It's about a worm eating contest in Florida

Which Edward Archibold(32) did consider

For the much touted, coveted prize to be won

Which was ... a female ivory ball  python

Ed goes  on munching several dozen roaches

and handful of worms as the deadline approaches

Alas, he ate not too wisely but ate too well

Within minutes his face began to swell

After bouts of  vomitting, down on the ground he fell

 

They put him in an ambulance and to the hospital fled

On examining the Doc pronounced " brought dead"

The contest held  by Ben Siegel Reptiles had strict terms

It gave only 4 minutes for eating roaches and worms

The one who ate the  most needed a certification 

That he didn't vomit, an automatic disqualification

The firm praised Edward, who was certainly a trend setter

They said "We are sorry, we will not get to know him better

Dear reader, donot ever  venture into contests like these

There are far better methods to get a python as a pet, please 

( based on a news report in the Times of India dated 10th October, 2012)

Addicted to Poetry 
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My favourite poet has been John Keats

His lyrical poems increase my heartbeats

It therefore came as a shock to hear

A new biography of his  is about to appear

Which says that he was addicted to opium 

A habit looked down upon with opprobrium

Writing verses for me is such a tedium

At  high school I didnt study in English medium

My only encounter with drugs has been with mescalin

which had opened for Huxley the doors of perception

it did nothing of the sort to me  perhaps an exception,

All that I saw was psychedelic colours in a glare

Of poetic inspiration, my brain remained bare

Remaining sober, I try to write nonsensical  rhymes

Is it senility or  perhaps it is a sign of the times

CHINESE LOVER COURERS HIMSELF*

-----------------------------------------------------------

Lovers are like lunatics said the bard of Avon

Here is an instance of lunacy for your fun

Our hero Hu seng lived in the city of chingqing

His girlfriend Li Wang's heart he wanted to set tingling 

By doing something which the bravest would fear

His ploy was to send her a big box thru courier

And in that box  he sealed himself in, oh dear

The box was to be delivered at her office so near

That in 30 minutes he would come out with cheer

He even arranged for a videographer to capture

the scene as he  jumps out of the box to hug her

But alas the best laid plans of mice and men they say

Often go astray -  

The address on the box  had a small  error

And for Hu Seng it meant 3 hrs of sheer terror

As he almost fainted due to asphyxiation

And had to be revived by artificial respiration 

When he came to, Seng said he wanted to shout

But then thought the surprise element would then be out

He suffered in silence for the sake of his love

Not knowing that after marriage he will suffer more...and how !

..............................................

* Based on a news report dated 31st Aug 2012 in the Times of India, Bangalore edition

PROJECT 'AVATAR'*

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Do you want to be immortal, have no fear

That day is not too far, it is quite near

When your brain can easily be sliced

and fitted into a robot's top so devised

as to allow it to live unto perpetuity

What remains to be done is the nitty-gritty

the finishing  touches to cybernetic immortality 

Itskov the visionary entrepreneur has set his sight

On completing this project working day and night

He has christened it  AVATAR  which is just right

In a way it would be the triumph of mind over matter

Offering you immortality on a platter

It is no longer in the realm of science fiction

Of its scientific feasibility there is no contradiction 

The cost of this procedure though, will leave you floored

It will run into billions only the world's richest can afford 

Where does  human being's consciousness lie?

Can a brain severed from body, biological rules defy?

Is  the "me" or "I"   located in the mind or brain?

To all these questions we hunted for answers, but in vain

Can an artificial carrier sustain individual consciousness

Or Will a heart lung machine keep transplanted brain in harness

 The very thought of these problems makes my mind go blank

In the end, I think this Russian chap is just a crank

Defying death is just another  facet of human vanity

I am now working on a new ode on Intimations of Immortality 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Based on a news item in Times of India dated 20th July, 2012,  quoting a report from  the Daily Mail, London. 

REQUIEM FOR RAJESH KHANNA  (1942-2012)

Yesterday,  a star that shone ever so brightly

So full of life, ever smiling and sprightly

Has passed into the skies to twinkle from afar

And to many aspiring  actors be a guiding star

When first I saw him in Aakhri Khat in 1966

Searching for his lost child he seemed to be in a fix

A sallow and awkward youth, a sculptor  to boot 

Into the hallowed precincts of Bollywood he set foot 

Who could imagine that he would soar to such height

With spellbinding performances to viewer's delight

With the epic Anand  a tragedy too sad for words

In Aradhana, he and Sharmila looked great as lovebirds

IN Amar Prem he seeks solace in a courtesan's arms

Even in the badnam basti he throws around his charms 

 

Whether as a bawarchi wearing the  khadi cap

Or the dakia delivering letters wearing khaki cap

He was unparallelled   in his acting, this charming chap

Tossing of  his head, the bewitching smile,the twinkle in his eye

Made many a fair maiden swoon and say  hai hai  

The death scene in Anand I'll  remember with my mouth agape,

 "zindagi aur maut oooper wale ki haath mein hai"says the tape

Before it unwinds and all we hear is a stuccato noise  

His end too came in a similar manner, he had no choice

We are as bereaved as his family who were at his bedside

All we can do is pray for his soul- let peace abide

Epitaph  " Here was an actor.  When will there be such another?"

BEAUTY LIES IN BIRD POOP -------------------------------------------- I  always wonder while statues I admire Whether of Nelson in Trafalgar square or Dadabhai Naoroji in Churchgate Mumbai As  they stand on their  pedestals so high How come their cheeks glow with such affulgence Come rain or sunshine,as  they look at us with indulgence Now the secret is out and what a shock it was To know that it was the pigeons' poop that is the cause New York Times reports  that all ye  ladies who aspire To have a glowing skin and rosy cheeks should acquire A mask containing nightingale droppnigs @ dollars 180 Apply it on your face for an hour, you're guaranteed to look  pretty The powdered poop is flown  from land of cherry blossom If you read how it is processed, it would sound so awesome The excrement is sanitised under ultraviolet light And then mixed with rice bran, an aesthetician's delight Exfoliation and brightening of the skin will surely follow Please  dont ridicule this remedy  if you think it sounds hollow Remember that Cleopatra, the fairest of  womankind's ilk Ascribed her beauty to bathing daily in donkey's milk These exotic concoctions are most sought after today Women  will try anything to keep signs of  old age at bay Get a bee to sting you on the cheeks,and see how they puff It's cheaper than botox,  if you dont get results, call my bluff The skin care market is about to take a  quantum leap Out of L'Oreal bottles you will see bees, worms and snails creep Attacking the wrinkles,  crows feet near the corner of your eyes Removing pimples, freckles and flakes from every nook and cranny Leaving your cheeks as smooth as those of Hema Malini ----------------------------------------------------- Based on a news report in Times of India dated 6th July 2012

DALAL STREET


The etymology of sensex
May cause the prudes some vex
All it means is that it makes sense
to compare the bourses to bordellos
It's so full of enticing curves
moves up and down and swerves
In a crescendo it peaks
And the poor investor a fortune seeks
But before reaching orgasmic bliss
Falls flat on its face with a hiss
Leaving the investor a nervous wreck
What's left of his money is not even a speck
As bulls and bears dance with this dame
The dalals are upto their necks in this game
Chill winds from US and Europe they blame
And ask you to invest without any shame

Be wary of this belle dame sans merci
Palely loitering on Dalal Street
She will have you in her thrall in no time
And all you are left with will be a dime

FATHER AT 94

When I cast my eyes on the paper this morning
On the front page was his photograph adorning
Another Guinness Book record was broken
In glowing terms his achievement was bespoken
A 94 year old Jat from Sonipat became a father
When his 55 yr old second wife delivered, we gather
A bonny child, a male nevertheless, cute newborn
This signal achievement please donot scorn
If you want to know the secret of his virility
It is not eating parathas dripping with pure ghee
But eating half kilo of almonds every day
(which at today's price will cost our half month's pay)
washed down with buffalo milk - full three litres
Even to think of imitating him gives me the jitters
Hail this new hero, Ramajit Raghav is his name
Another feather in the cap to boost Haryana's fame

WHAT BABUS DO WITH PCs


When babus attend office every morn
the gleaming PCs which their tables adorn
are put to good use for watching porn

As files pile up in the IN tray
they donot even a bit of guilt betray
Now we know why all those charts
showing our economy grow by fits and starts
resemble the curves of Pamela Anderson
And statistics get confused for figure
as the graph grows bigger and bigger
And when double recession does hit
It shows like plunging neckline quite a bit

But all this is now in the past
The Home Minister was aghast
Strict instructions were promptly issued
If he found any office PC misused
The Babus will be issued a "show cause"
which means their jobs can go for a toss

How effective this order will be
Is for us, poor public to see

The city of Ahmedabad is noted for arranging matches for senior citizens looking for life partners in the evening of their lives. Many funny incidents are reported in newspapers. I picked up on one such from the Times of India and versified the incident. Hope it brings a chuckle on your face

AN OLD WIFE's TALE

Drab verses evoke no interest
I write this more in sorrow than in jest
Of senior citizens in desperate quest
for life partners to build a new love nest

In the famed city of Ahmedabad
For oldies things are not so bad
There are NGOs who will find
Soulmates for you, sweet and kind
But 70 year old Sombhai was shocked
When his entry into the nuptial chambers was blocked
By his 60 year old bride Vidya who found to her chagrin
A week's growth of stubble on her spouse's chin
For poor Sombhai it was indeed a close shave
This aint how a newlywed wife should behave
To the nearest barber's shop he did run
He didnt want to miss the first night's fun
When he returned spick and span
On his smooth cheeks her fingers ran
Everything now was hunky dory
The poet is pleased to end this story
.......................................................................

A LOVE SONG

My dear Chocri,

How my hopeful heart

Longs for your kiss

Soft and sensuous

On pouting lips

You tease and torment me

Since I sent you away

I can taste your temptation

Day after day.

I yearn for your love

But together we’re trouble

I try to resist you

But then I want double

A feast or a famine

A flood or a drought

Without my fix

I’m a twisted old fox.

Our loving is luscious

So when you are spent

My body’s forlorn

And left to ferment

This separation of souls

Will leave me slim

But then I’ll blow it all

On an all night binge.

-Your chocoholic lover
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NB:- CHOCRI is a brand name of a German chocolate. This poem reflects the withdrawal symptoms of a chocolate addict. If you thought otherwise, you have a dirty mind.

This poem is based on a news report in the Times of India Bangalore edition dated 12/04/2012. Written in a hurry, pardon mistakes if any :-

RAINS AHOY 

In the holy town of Udupi in Karnataka
They are playing some kind of nataka
to usher in rains for the parched earth
What better way than this one full of mirth
The priest has ordained that the only way
Varuna will be pleased is not just to pray
But entertain the rain God with great pomp
through nuptial ceremony as the guests romp
Like we have seen in "A Monsoon Wedding"
As two frogs freshly caught tie the knot
Amidst vedic hymns and chants uttered in style
And the newly weds are fed with a plate full of flies
Their full throated croaking rends the skies
Piercing the clouds that linger about so high
As the rain lashes, the priests heave a sigh
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Seeding of clouds is now a thing of the past
This new method of inducing rain will leave you aghast

Continuing the series "Verse & Worse". It is rumoured that Eve used to count the ribs of Adam whenever he was late while she was waiting for him at Applegate, the reason being her suspicion that there was the "other woman" created by him out of his spare rib. This poem deals with the probable reason why Adam had to cheat Eve.

ADAM'S DILEMMA 

Why Adam came late 
when Eve was waiting at Applegate
It is my turn now to narrate
In the days following creation
Adam was starved for recreation
"Start by kissing Eve" was God's command
"What is kissing?" was Adam's demand
God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush
"It felt great" he told God when he returned with a blush
"Now caress her" was God's next tip
Explaining thoroughly so he wouldn't slip
"Oh Lord it was ecstatic; what next, please tell"
"Make love to her and mind to do it well"
"What is 'love' my Lord?"asked the first man
And it was explained to him as only God Almighty can
Again he took Eve behind the bush
Returned in a few minutes flustered and face aflush
" Oh God, what is a HEADACHE? " was his question
Even God Almighty could not explain to his satisfaction
It was then his thoughts turned to the spare rib
If God could create a woman why should he not crib?
That is how the other woman came into being
Who could satisfy Adam and all his craving
Leaving poor Eve high and dry
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If you dont believe this, just say "fie !"

LOO AND BEHOLD

When one is constipated and uses suppositories
bathrooms and loos become repositories
of profound thoughts and great discoveries
Whether it is Archimedes jumping out of his tub
without bothering to rub or scrub
Or Rodin's THINKER crouching on his haunch
Or the Bard of Avon writing his plays
In the loo of all places, as my frienid says
Nature's law these great men cannot flout
The law says - "Garbage in ......verbiage out"

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

Affairs of the heart ladies do discuss
but it is done in a manner hush-hush
Whether it be their very first crush
Or a post-marital romantic brush
With some hunk whom they fancied
Who later turned out to be rancid
Comparing notes they become quite frank
And if they sense danger, , they close rank

Not so the men who brag about their flings
Under influence of liquor their fancy takes wings
They will tell you how many girls they eagerly sought
And yet ditched them when it came to tying the knot
Suffice it to say they wear their heart on their sleeves
It goes " dub dub" the moment they see beautiful eves

THE FURY OF MARES

The Women's Reservation Bill did incite
Horses in the NEIGHbouring stud farm last night
Their grouse- why the heck do humans bedeck
in sequined finery only mares and not studs
with bridegrooms astride amid the cacophony of the band
Baraatis dancing hand in hand

"Gender equality for equines" roared the studs
"Do humans think we are mere duds
Meant to haul carts, run races and fall with a thud
When cavalrymen riding us bite the mud ? "

They held their parliament at stroke of midnight
Amid thunderous applause, to their delight
A resolution was passed and a bill tabled
Parity of studs with mares it enabled

They pleaded with country's most eligible bachelor and heir
That when he goes in a baraat to garland his lady fair
He shouldn't use the services of a mare.

All hell broke out when the mares heard this news
Outraged by this assault their anger was profuse.
They decided that the only way to restore their pride
to stop the studs in their track and stem the tide
was................ to resort to MALE INFANTICIDE
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I can only pray to God to save horses from extinction
They have served mankind with such distinction.

Note : A situation may arise when like King Richard III in shakespeare's play of the same name, we may have to shout ' A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse" and yet find none in sight !

Today's rhyme is on a path-breaking scientific discovery called telomerase.

ELIXIR OF YOUTH

Eureka! It has been discovered at last
All ye old fossils line up fast
the Elixir of Youth is no longer a mystery
Researchers at Harvard have made history
If a report in "Nature" is to be believed
We, old buzzards, would be greatly relieved
It is the telomerase gene which can reverse
the process of aging ( it seems so perverse )
Experiments conducted on tottering old mice
Threw up quite a great surprise
Old rats to whom mating meant jitters
could now sire very large litters
Rhymers prepare to study the genetic code
And On Intimations of Immortality write a new Ode
The only hitch here is that we may be no more
By the time this wonder gene reaches our shore

This is not a figment of my imagination, but reported in the reputed medical journal "NATURE", which you can browse, if interested, at the following site

http://www.nature.com/news/2010/101128/full/news.2010.635.html

Telomerase reverses ageing process : Nature News

www.nature.com

Nature - the world's best science and medicine on your desktop

MY SWISS BANK ACCOUNT

Two thousand accounts, yes, that is what
Lassange has the CD and it is hot
Netas and Udyogpatis and babus too
Out of fear will now rush to the loo
And I can describe them ( it is not porn)
They'll be as naked as the day they were born
TV anchors are spilling blood and gore
calling the account holders "Chor"
They have filched the country's wealth
Squirreling it in swiss banks in stealth

Some of them of course will bask in glory
When the headlines blare out their story
Am I envious of the attention they get?
I wanna join their tribe, you bet
Am rushing to Geneva by the next flight
to open an account with the speed of light
Depositing my hard earned pension
( the amount I am ashamed to mention)
So that when Wikileaks releases the list
I can raise my hand and clench my fist
And shout with one-up-manship zest
Lo ! Vasanth Pai's name led the rest

MUSINGS OF A TEA TOTALLER

According to a news report, the average Indian ( if such a creature exists) drinks 22 litres of beer per year

AVERAGE CONSUMPTION OF BEER - 22 LITRES PER YEAR

Twentytwo litres per year
If we take the case of beer
The maths works out queer
Just seventy millilitres a day
who will get high on it pray?
If it is the same volume of wine
it will go down well and I'll be fine
If it is 70 ml of gin
I will just bear it and grin
Same quantity of rum
would make me really glum
Gimme 70 ml of brandy
And people will call me a dandy
If I settle for whiskey
At my age a Patiala peg will be risky !!!

So let me turn to the cup that cheers
But does not inebriate
I can gulp cup after cup with no fears
Sitting on my rocking chair and ruminate
For me nothing suits like fresh green tea
Bought lots of it while returning from Ooty

EGG OR CHICK ?
---------------------------------------------

World's greatest mystery gets solved at last

All ye who are curious to know, come fast

Oft have you been asked "what came first

The chick or egg?" Answer you must

But it remained an enigma, a riddle I trust

At last someone cracked it and it has gone bust

In the Isle of Srilanka ,Welimada is a small city

Here was made the great discovery- call it serendipity

A hen gave birth to a live chick in a poultry farm

While the hen died the chick came out without any harm

The Vet in charge Dr.Yapa is privy to this miracle

Now to answer the eternal question, you need no oracle

The hen did suffer lacerations in its reproductive tract

Which is not uncommon during childbirth as a matter of fact

This must have alarmed mother nature in times of yore

The evolutionary process started and a solution it had in store

To prevent fowls from giving birth to live chicks with legs

Nature made them expel the fertilised ova as eggs

To be hatched in the coops quite safe and sound

Thereafter to mother hen they will be bound

So now you can say with your head held high

"The chick came first, if you dont believe it....fie "




NB :- This is based on a news report in the Times of India dated 22nd
April, 2012
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tailpiece :- The answer to this question was also given by a sardarji, sitting in
Pooran Singh's Dhaba in Ambala. When asked which comes first, the chicken or the egg, he confidently replied " Jo maine pahle order kiya "

SAFE DRIVING

The three W"s which men hanker most
Are Wine, Women and wealth my Dost
In the pecking order, wine comes first
And the second place only goes to lust
Even old Omar khayyam
in his Rubaiyat describes how
A jug of wine comes before "THOU"
Singing beside him in the wilderness
&Wilderness is Paradise enow
Why then deride the young man in the car
who preferred to drink before his gf rather than in bar

My only trepidation is that if he drives while drunk
both he and his girlfriend will certainly be sunk
Drink may give you all the kicks
But drinking and driving donot mix

HOW TO DRIVE AWAY WILD BOARS ( From a news report)

In the fields of Gulbarga
you can hear a cacophony;
From the farmers' mobiles
blares "Sheila ki jawani"
In decibel levels so high
that the marauders heave a sigh
and beat a hasty retreat
their surrender is complete'
wild boars who wanted to plunder
their plans thrown asunder
by this popular item number
which their evil designs did encumber
Such depredation of crop
the farmers can now stop
While enjoying Sunidhi's raunchy song
They can drive away boars to where they belong

Leonardo Di Caprio

With the release of Titanic in 3D i am forced to think
How come they say Leonardo in real life raises a stink
He is so manic about conservation of water
He doesnt take bath even when weather gets hotter
Deodorants he shuns, calling them chemical poison
But tolerates all the toxins in his sweat for no good reason
Matters it seems have come to such a pass
He is about to lose his girlfriend, a lovely lass
What a travesty for one who sank with the ship
With water all around him rising up to his lip
If only the water had vanished in its entirety then
Everyone would have been saved, with no story to pen
My heart goes out to Erin Heatherton , his girl friend
These Hollywood stars are now setting a new trend.

Disclaimer : This is not a figment of my imagination, but based on a
report in the Times of India.

A REAR PUZZLE

"Because I am by nature blind
I wisely choose to walk behind
However, to avoid disgrace
I let no creature see my face
My words are few but spoke with sense
And yet, my speaking gives offence
Or, if to whisper I presume
The company will fly the room"

The poem above is not mine, it is a straight lift
From a famous author called Jonathan Swift
Can you guess the answer to this riddle
If you cant guess, your thumbs you can twiddle
A study of anatomy would help you in your quest
Because this part of the body you always detest

MATHEMATICAL WIZARD

In maths I must confess I was always weak
My cheeks the teacher would often tweak
Didnt understand how two minuses make a plus
But accepted this conclusion without a fuss
When I grew up I had great regard
For that little known mathematical wizard
Who often hides in your gastrointestinal tract
He doesnt know about addition or subtraction
But is a genius when it comes to multiplication
Guessed it? Can anyone in the class reply?
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It is Mr. Amoeba - he just DIVIDES to MULTIPLY !