Thursday, May 24, 2012


The etymology of sensex
May cause the prudes some vex
All it means is that it makes sense
to compare the bourses to bordellos
It's so full of enticing curves
moves up and down and swerves
In a crescendo it peaks
And the poor investor a fortune seeks
But before reaching orgasmic bliss
Falls flat on its face with a hiss
Leaving the investor a nervous wreck
What's left of his money is not even a speck
As bulls and bears dance with this dame
The dalals are upto their necks in this game
Chill winds from US and Europe they blame
And ask you to invest without any shame

Be wary of this belle dame sans merci
Palely loitering on Dalal Street
She will have you in her thrall in no time
And all you are left with will be a dime

When I cast my eyes on the paper this morning
On the front page was his photograph adorning
Another Guinness Book record was broken
In glowing terms his achievement was bespoken
A 94 year old Jat from Sonipat became a father
When his 55 yr old second wife delivered, we gather
A bonny child, a male nevertheless, cute newborn
This signal achievement please donot scorn
If you want to know the secret of his virility
It is not eating parathas dripping with pure ghee
But eating half kilo of almonds every day
(which at today's price will cost our half month's pay)
washed down with buffalo milk - full three litres
Even to think of imitating him gives me the jitters
Hail this new hero, Ramajit Raghav is his name
Another feather in the cap to boost Haryana's fame

When babus attend office every morn
the gleaming PCs which their tables adorn
are put to good use for watching porn

As files pile up in the IN tray
they donot even a bit of guilt betray
Now we know why all those charts
showing our economy grow by fits and starts
resemble the curves of Pamela Anderson
And statistics get confused for figure
as the graph grows bigger and bigger
And when double recession does hit
It shows like plunging neckline quite a bit

But all this is now in the past
The Home Minister was aghast
Strict instructions were promptly issued
If he found any office PC misused
The Babus will be issued a "show cause"
which means their jobs can go for a toss

How effective this order will be
Is for us, poor public to see
The city of Ahmedabad is noted for arranging matches for senior citizens looking for life partners in the evening of their lives. Many funny incidents are reported in newspapers. I picked up on one such from the Times of India and versified the incident. Hope it brings a chuckle on your face


Drab verses evoke no interest
I write this more in sorrow than in jest
Of senior citizens in desperate quest
for life partners to build a new love nest

In the famed city of Ahmedabad
For oldies things are not so bad
There are NGOs who will find
Soulmates for you, sweet and kind
But 70 year old Sombhai was shocked
When his entry into the nuptial chambers was blocked
By his 60 year old bride Vidya who found to her chagrin
A week's growth of stubble on her spouse's chin
For poor Sombhai it was indeed a close shave
This aint how a newlywed wife should behave
To the nearest barber's shop he did run
He didnt want to miss the first night's fun
When he returned spick and span
On his smooth cheeks her fingers ran
Everything now was hunky dory
The poet is pleased to end this story

My dear Chocri,

How my hopeful heart

Longs for your kiss

Soft and sensuous

On pouting lips

You tease and torment me

Since I sent you away

I can taste your temptation

Day after day.

I yearn for your love

But together we’re trouble

I try to resist you

But then I want double

A feast or a famine

A flood or a drought

Without my fix

I’m a twisted old fox.

Our loving is luscious

So when you are spent

My body’s forlorn

And left to ferment

This separation of souls

Will leave me slim

But then I’ll blow it all

On an all night binge.

-Your chocoholic lover

NB:- CHOCRI is a brand name of a German chocolate. This poem reflects the withdrawal symptoms of a chocolate addict. If you thought otherwise, you have a dirty mind.
This poem is based on a news report in the Times of India Bangalore edition dated 12/04/2012. Written in a hurry, pardon mistakes if any :-


In the holy town of Udupi in Karnataka
They are playing some kind of nataka
to usher in rains for the parched earth
What better way than this one full of mirth
The priest has ordained that the only way
Varuna will be pleased is not just to pray
But entertain the rain God with great pomp
through nuptial ceremony as the guests romp
Like we have seen in "A Monsoon Wedding"
As two frogs freshly caught tie the knot
Amidst vedic hymns and chants uttered in style
And the newly weds are fed with a plate full of flies
Their full throated croaking rends the skies
Piercing the clouds that linger about so high
As the rain lashes, the priests heave a sigh

Seeding of clouds is now a thing of the past
This new method of inducing rain will leave you aghast
Continuing the series "Verse & Worse". It is rumoured that Eve used to count the ribs of Adam whenever he was late while she was waiting for him at Applegate, the reason being her suspicion that there was the "other woman" created by him out of his spare rib. This poem deals with the probable reason why Adam had to cheat Eve.


Why Adam came late 
when Eve was waiting at Applegate
It is my turn now to narrate
In the days following creation
Adam was starved for recreation
"Start by kissing Eve" was God's command
"What is kissing?" was Adam's demand
God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush
"It felt great" he told God when he returned with a blush
"Now caress her" was God's next tip
Explaining thoroughly so he wouldn't slip
"Oh Lord it was ecstatic; what next, please tell"
"Make love to her and mind to do it well"
"What is 'love' my Lord?"asked the first man
And it was explained to him as only God Almighty can
Again he took Eve behind the bush
Returned in a few minutes flustered and face aflush
" Oh God, what is a HEADACHE? " was his question
Even God Almighty could not explain to his satisfaction
It was then his thoughts turned to the spare rib
If God could create a woman why should he not crib?
That is how the other woman came into being
Who could satisfy Adam and all his craving
Leaving poor Eve high and dry
If you dont believe this, just say "fie !"

When one is constipated and uses suppositories
bathrooms and loos become repositories
of profound thoughts and great discoveries
Whether it is Archimedes jumping out of his tub
without bothering to rub or scrub
Or Rodin's THINKER crouching on his haunch
Or the Bard of Avon writing his plays
In the loo of all places, as my frienid says
Nature's law these great men cannot flout
The law says - "Garbage in ......verbiage out"

Affairs of the heart ladies do discuss
but it is done in a manner hush-hush
Whether it be their very first crush
Or a post-marital romantic brush
With some hunk whom they fancied
Who later turned out to be rancid
Comparing notes they become quite frank
And if they sense danger, , they close rank

Not so the men who brag about their flings
Under influence of liquor their fancy takes wings
They will tell you how many girls they eagerly sought
And yet ditched them when it came to tying the knot
Suffice it to say they wear their heart on their sleeves
It goes " dub dub" the moment they see beautiful eves

The Women's Reservation Bill did incite
Horses in the NEIGHbouring stud farm last night
Their grouse- why the heck do humans bedeck
in sequined finery only mares and not studs
with bridegrooms astride amid the cacophony of the band
Baraatis dancing hand in hand

"Gender equality for equines" roared the studs
"Do humans think we are mere duds
Meant to haul carts, run races and fall with a thud
When cavalrymen riding us bite the mud ? "

They held their parliament at stroke of midnight
Amid thunderous applause, to their delight
A resolution was passed and a bill tabled
Parity of studs with mares it enabled

They pleaded with country's most eligible bachelor and heir
That when he goes in a baraat to garland his lady fair
He shouldn't use the services of a mare.

All hell broke out when the mares heard this news
Outraged by this assault their anger was profuse.
They decided that the only way to restore their pride
to stop the studs in their track and stem the tide
was................ to resort to MALE INFANTICIDE

I can only pray to God to save horses from extinction
They have served mankind with such distinction.

Note : A situation may arise when like King Richard III in shakespeare's play of the same name, we may have to shout ' A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse" and yet find none in sight !

Today's rhyme is on a path-breaking scientific discovery called telomerase.


Eureka! It has been discovered at last
All ye old fossils line up fast
the Elixir of Youth is no longer a mystery
Researchers at Harvard have made history
If a report in "Nature" is to be believed
We, old buzzards, would be greatly relieved
It is the telomerase gene which can reverse
the process of aging ( it seems so perverse )
Experiments conducted on tottering old mice
Threw up quite a great surprise
Old rats to whom mating meant jitters
could now sire very large litters
Rhymers prepare to study the genetic code
And On Intimations of Immortality write a new Ode
The only hitch here is that we may be no more
By the time this wonder gene reaches our shore

This is not a figment of my imagination, but reported in the reputed medical journal "NATURE", which you can browse, if interested, at the following site
Nature - the world's best science and medicine on your desktop

Two thousand accounts, yes, that is what
Lassange has the CD and it is hot
Netas and Udyogpatis and babus too
Out of fear will now rush to the loo
And I can describe them ( it is not porn)
They'll be as naked as the day they were born
TV anchors are spilling blood and gore
calling the account holders "Chor"
They have filched the country's wealth
Squirreling it in swiss banks in stealth

Some of them of course will bask in glory
When the headlines blare out their story
Am I envious of the attention they get?
I wanna join their tribe, you bet
Am rushing to Geneva by the next flight
to open an account with the speed of light
Depositing my hard earned pension
( the amount I am ashamed to mention)
So that when Wikileaks releases the list
I can raise my hand and clench my fist
And shout with one-up-manship zest
Lo ! Vasanth Pai's name led the rest

According to a news report, the average Indian ( if such a creature exists) drinks 22 litres of beer per year


Twentytwo litres per year
If we take the case of beer
The maths works out queer
Just seventy millilitres a day
who will get high on it pray?
If it is the same volume of wine
it will go down well and I'll be fine
If it is 70 ml of gin
I will just bear it and grin
Same quantity of rum
would make me really glum
Gimme 70 ml of brandy
And people will call me a dandy
If I settle for whiskey
At my age a Patiala peg will be risky !!!

So let me turn to the cup that cheers
But does not inebriate
I can gulp cup after cup with no fears
Sitting on my rocking chair and ruminate
For me nothing suits like fresh green tea
Bought lots of it while returning from Ooty

World's greatest mystery gets solved at last

All ye who are curious to know, come fast

Oft have you been asked "what came first

The chick or egg?" Answer you must

But it remained an enigma, a riddle I trust

At last someone cracked it and it has gone bust

In the Isle of Srilanka ,Welimada is a small city

Here was made the great discovery- call it serendipity

A hen gave birth to a live chick in a poultry farm

While the hen died the chick came out without any harm

The Vet in charge Dr.Yapa is privy to this miracle

Now to answer the eternal question, you need no oracle

The hen did suffer lacerations in its reproductive tract

Which is not uncommon during childbirth as a matter of fact

This must have alarmed mother nature in times of yore

The evolutionary process started and a solution it had in store

To prevent fowls from giving birth to live chicks with legs

Nature made them expel the fertilised ova as eggs

To be hatched in the coops quite safe and sound

Thereafter to mother hen they will be bound

So now you can say with your head held high

"The chick came first, if you dont believe it....fie "

NB :- This is based on a news report in the Times of India dated 22nd
April, 2012

Tailpiece :- The answer to this question was also given by a sardarji, sitting in
Pooran Singh's Dhaba in Ambala. When asked which comes first, the chicken or the egg, he confidently replied " Jo maine pahle order kiya "

The three W"s which men hanker most
Are Wine, Women and wealth my Dost
In the pecking order, wine comes first
And the second place only goes to lust
Even old Omar khayyam
in his Rubaiyat describes how
A jug of wine comes before "THOU"
Singing beside him in the wilderness
&Wilderness is Paradise enow
Why then deride the young man in the car
who preferred to drink before his gf rather than in bar

My only trepidation is that if he drives while drunk
both he and his girlfriend will certainly be sunk
Drink may give you all the kicks
But drinking and driving donot mix
HOW TO DRIVE AWAY WILD BOARS ( From a news report)

In the fields of Gulbarga
you can hear a cacophony;
From the farmers' mobiles
blares "Sheila ki jawani"
In decibel levels so high
that the marauders heave a sigh
and beat a hasty retreat
their surrender is complete'
wild boars who wanted to plunder
their plans thrown asunder
by this popular item number
which their evil designs did encumber
Such depredation of crop
the farmers can now stop
While enjoying Sunidhi's raunchy song
They can drive away boars to where they belong
Leonardo Di Caprio

With the release of Titanic in 3D i am forced to think
How come they say Leonardo in real life raises a stink
He is so manic about conservation of water
He doesnt take bath even when weather gets hotter
Deodorants he shuns, calling them chemical poison
But tolerates all the toxins in his sweat for no good reason
Matters it seems have come to such a pass
He is about to lose his girlfriend, a lovely lass
What a travesty for one who sank with the ship
With water all around him rising up to his lip
If only the water had vanished in its entirety then
Everyone would have been saved, with no story to pen
My heart goes out to Erin Heatherton , his girl friend
These Hollywood stars are now setting a new trend.

Disclaimer : This is not a figment of my imagination, but based on a
report in the Times of India.

"Because I am by nature blind
I wisely choose to walk behind
However, to avoid disgrace
I let no creature see my face
My words are few but spoke with sense
And yet, my speaking gives offence
Or, if to whisper I presume
The company will fly the room"

The poem above is not mine, it is a straight lift
From a famous author called Jonathan Swift
Can you guess the answer to this riddle
If you cant guess, your thumbs you can twiddle
A study of anatomy would help you in your quest
Because this part of the body you always detest

In maths I must confess I was always weak
My cheeks the teacher would often tweak
Didnt understand how two minuses make a plus
But accepted this conclusion without a fuss
When I grew up I had great regard
For that little known mathematical wizard
Who often hides in your gastrointestinal tract
He doesnt know about addition or subtraction
But is a genius when it comes to multiplication
Guessed it? Can anyone in the class reply?
It is Mr. Amoeba - he just DIVIDES to MULTIPLY !

Ho for a mudpot full of frothing toddy
So soothing for all the aches in my body
sitting in a shanty so uncouth and shoddy
On the beaches of Goa as the rains lash
Bartender`says "No credit - pay me cash"
Penniless that I m, expect a sound bash
Luckily for me I have with me some hash
Surrounded by firangs whose bodies badly need a wash,
I soon sell my ware and get a pile of cash
But a fool and his money are soon parted
After spending all on booze, to my hotel I darted
Jumped out the room window without paying the bill
Ran to the railway station climbing up a hill
The return ticket saved me from being caught
By the TC in black coat, I was so distraught

As I lie on the bed with a fractured femur
I thank God I am alive, I have nothing to demur

Disclaimer : Please donot believe a word of what is written above. I am neither a boozer nor a junkie, nor have I ever checked out of a hotel without settling my bill.

To learn mathematics at school we all resort to mugging
But have you heard of anyone learning through slugging?

Jason Padgett of US was a school drop out
Of Maths he knew very little, there is no doubt
As he was strolling outside a karaoke club, it is said
Robbers slugged and repeatedly kicked him on the head
Thereafter all he could see were mathematical formulae
He drew intricate drawings wherever his hand he could lay

His case raised curiosity of neuroscientists overseas
They took him to Finland to diagnose the disease
Scanning of the brain clearly revealed
Heavy concussion at a particular point
which he must have suffered, it is believed
while he was slugged near the karaoke joint
The rest of his brain rushed to strengthen this area
To impart to it superhuman skills, is that clear?
That's how he could solve maths problems without fear
Dr. Berit Brogaard calls it by its medical name
SAVANT SYNDROME which brought Padgett such fame

Hasten I must to the karaoke club tonight
To search for those ruffians and pick up a fight
Receiving a few blows on my head will surely end
My present state of ADIPS* my dear friend
Acquiring instead the SAVANT SYNDROME
Which'll turn me into a great poet when I return home.

* ADIPS stands for "Altogether Deficient In Poetic Skills"

(This poem is based on a news item in the Times of India dated 30th
April 2012. )

News has just come in, I gather
A 74 year old man became a father
His spouse was 36 years his junior
But here is something funnier
He ascribes his extraordinary prowess
to innumerable bananas he devours
Time to give up almonds without any grudge
and switch over to chocolate banana fudge


Whether he really fathered a child
And did he really sow his oats wild,
The DNA strands on the slide will tell
If cofirmed, we will ring the bell,
If not, he will have to rot in hell.

On walls of dying foliage
hang intricate exhibits
no hand could replicate.
Fragile, masterpieces,
defy the balmy breeze
as it caresses
each silken thread.
Sometimes, if fortuitous,
the artists await their reward-
Proud of their creative livelihood
as it hangs by a thread.
their beauty goes unnoticed,
until the dewy jewels of the dawn,
adorn its elaborate brilliance.

As the sun takes centre stage,
each work of art evaporates;
and the artist

To celebrate the birth of a grandchild
Relatives from far and near do flock
Celebration of the youngsters is wild
But the older ones sit below the grandfather clock
Why not a grandmother clock - I often ponder
But then being senile, my mind does wander
Unable to solve the etymology of the word
I just lean back and enjoy the Theatre of the Absurd
US President Obama took a calculated gamble and stepped into the political unknown on wednesday with his fiirm public backing for gay marriage, after a long period of personal soul searching. Obama's move in an interview with ABC news sent seismic waves through pre-election politics and sparked immediate speculation as to whether he had hurt or hindered his chances of winning a second term in November 
- Times of India (11th May 2012)


When gay marriages are solemnised in US
Now that they can do it without any fuss,
The nuptial vows how does the clergy handle
Is it with bell book and candle?
Does he pronounce them" man and man"
Or if lesbians "wife and wife"
Instead of "till death do us part"
Do they say "this is just for a start
Till on appeal the law decrees they come apart

Do they bring bridesmaids and best men
Or is the marriage done with the stroke of a pen?

Is exchange or rings customary?
Or they just go out and make merry?

Man kissing man can be a sight disgusting
Though two women liplocking can be interesting

And how do they raise families their wealth to inherit
Do they go and adopt children purely on merit?
Or the ovum or sperm as the case may be
Is fused "in vitro" with its opposite part from a donor
The gays can always find a surrogate mother
And lesbians have wombs so they face no bother

These possibilities sound bizarre to the uninitiated
In the not too distant future these will be appreciated
As society turns tolerant to same gender pairs
All Victorian prudishness will be kicked upstairs

Women they say love humour in a man
If you are a serious guy,, you will be an "also ran"

Does that mean that Prince Charles had no humour
and Diana in choosing Dodi Fayad made a bloomer
Had she chosen for his humour Woody Allen
She wouldnt in a car accident have fallen
But then lovely women always stoop to folly
and find too late that they have missed the lolly

I suffer from palpitations
That keep me up all night.
I also get hallucinations
Things don’t seem quite right.

Yes, I go into convulsions
I think it is the pill.
Then I get into a depression
'Cause it make me feel quite ill

I experience dizziness
The whole world seems to spin.
And drowsiness is likely
For the blooming state I am in.

My face begins to itch
I may need an antihistamine
But the contra-indications
Scare me and I am not so keen.

I doubt that I have anorexia
I am fast losing weight,
Oh God, I think I have dyspnoea
If I cant breathe , it'll be too late

The doc thinks I just have a headache
Which may soon turn into migraine
Which I should suffer for Christ's sake
And not come back to him again

Advances from women
If wisely invested
will yield rich dividends
which can be harvested

But if you have in mind
advances of a different kind
My advice to you is to run
If she chases you it will be fun
Role reversal has its charm
But take care it does you no harm

Mind to keep your missus in the dark
Have all the fun in a desolate park
But if she does espy you and says "Hark"
Invent a story and sing it like a lark

I take no offence if anyone asks me my age
It is almost the same as of a HImalayan sage
I have lost count of years as I grew old
I know now that with women I cant be bold
To tell you in precise terms, i have turned 80
If I say "on turning 80 you get 08" you'd call me naughty
But that is exactly what I feel at this stage of my life
The cake was not baked by my overworked wife
We got it at Ramada Inn's Orchid Hall to be precise
And a pretty large 2 Kg was its exact size
Had you been present I'd have tucked a piece in your mouth
But you only talk about coming here, are you scared of the South?
On the cake was written " Vasanth Rocks at 80"
( "Rocks" I copied from an Orkut group without paying royalty )
And when the cake was cut , there was merriment and gaiety
We had song and dance and celebrations galore
Most of my guests and relatives came from Mangalore
Now that they have all departed to their house
I logged on to the internet as usual to browse
Since the party lasted till midnight, I am feeling sleepy
If I prolong this rhyme and bore you, you'll call me creepy

Note: This was written in reply to a friend from Pune who promised to attend my birthday party but did not.

Gentle Reader,

Today's poem is not for the fainthearted. It is about disciplining the spouse, based on a book by a cleric published in Canada.* You may skip some lines if you find them offensive. But as a chronicler I had to do full justice to the principles ingrained in the said book by the said cleric. However, the sting in the tail is from my own not so infertile imagination.

TAMING OF THE SHREW ( A new version)

The poet in me has been in hibernation
Such long bouts of vacuity is a humiliation
I thought it is time to remove the curse
and try my hand at some saucy verse
What better subject than dear wives
Who usher some light and sound in our lives
But they too need once in a while
A mild thrashing administered in style
A book written by a certain muslim scholar
Says it is not enough if you just holler
Best way to discipline is to pull her by the ear
If that doesn't work, slap her without any fear
If your hands are weak, you can use a stick
Dont give her time for her wounds to lick
Drag her by the hair as the caveman used to do
If she acts up, here is some more advice for you
Lock her up in a room after you've done with the bash
If that doesnt tame her, stop giving her the cash

But a word of caution, be prepared for the backlash
When you think everything is fine and retire to bed
You may find the rolling pin come crashing on your head

News and Analysis of Assyrian and Assyrian-related Issues Worldwide

I too had a refreshing nap
when i slept on my granny's lap
With no knights-at-arms around
palely loitering on the ground
with twittering of swallows the only sound
profound peace in sleep she found
Then with a start I did awake
Only to find my fantasy a fake.
There was no granny by my side
She was already with her Maker, betide.

When I do bump into women
And they ask me if i am blind
I just tell them "As a matter of fact
In both my eyes I have cataract,
Could you lend me a helping hand?" I blink
"To find the way to the ophthalmologist's clinic?"
Taken aback, the ladies beg pardon
Not knowing they have been led up the garden

The milk of human kindness overflows
As clasping my hand they lead me down the road
At the clinic, I pretend to climb the steps on all my four
And as the ladies turn back,I bolt from the clinic's back door.


Note: I neither bump into women nor can I climb steps on all my fours. This is just a flight of poetic fancy

Here I want to dwell on a senior citizen's plight
When he stares at pretty young things, though morally upright
Threats from the female brigade are coming left and right
They think the staring exercise will affect my eyesight
Foreboding dire consequences such as a black eye
Or may be a persistent or recurring sty
I am told that the glint in my eye can turn into a squint
Or a black eye if nubile girls give me a karate kick
If missus catches me staring, she might break my brittle bones
If as a result I die, sing me a dirge in soulful tones
But one thing I wanna tell you, for my eyes I have a great attachment
By staring at girls, I dont want to end up with retinal detachment


Disclaimer - I want to clarify that by nature I am a shy person and always lower my gaze when a girl passes by. This poem is just for laffs

The sun had gone to sleep now
The moon was wide awake
But my feelings of sorrow
Were difficult to shake

Standing on the beach
Sleep had eluded me
My reality unsure now
And she a memory

I scanned the distant horizon
For a moonlight silhouette
But my eyes were disappointed
My heart it was bereft

The waves that licked my toes
Sang a plaintive lullaby
It was as if they knew
This really was goodbye.
This is an old poem I wrote when Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, was in the news trying to run for the vice-presidency in 2008 and also for the gaffes she committed in her speeches and the book titled "Going Rogue" She is now spearheading the Tea Party movement in US. 


Sarah Palin has a lliterary calling
Her "Going Rogue " had a great fan following
Soon she may overtake JK Rowling
She "refudiates"whatever she says
Donot "misunderestimate" her forays
She is a character straight out of Sheridan's plays
Claiming tobe a modern day Shakespeare
Her tweets become more and more queer
Her bloomers make headlines across the world
When we ornery mortals err, abuses are hurled
But then she is a strange combination
Of a glamour puss and a politician

She would have been a perfect running mate
For George Bush who did a sensation create
When he uttered with a frown in his brow
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."